My Christmas

First of all, I would like to shout out to everyone
MERRY CHRISTMAS...
(Because I missed the chance to yell it out on time!!!)

Well, every girls wish to have a great, peaceful, romantic Christmas Eve with their loves one,
so do I... I prepared myself early after my class...(When a girl pay much effort on making up herself nicely, this simple means how much she'd care the date..)

Since I never truly celebrate a very nice Christmas before (especially with the loves one), I was paying so much expectations on this time X'mas Eve...

I expected him to bring me to somewhere to have a fantastic yet romantic dinner..
I expected him to plan something special or something that can surprise me on the Eve...
I expected both of us can have a very unforgettable countdown day even if only he and I...
(As you know, how much I'd like those parties!)
Expectation always just like a sweet dreams.. It makes you feel so real but its actually did not happen...
I was so excited to see him, but he was in serious sick...
We went out to have dinner, but end up with a little conflict yet cover it up with the "nothing-happen" situation...

Honestly, I was in tempered that time but I can truly understand the situation...
Sometimes, a lot of thing cannot be spoken by words as I myself don't even know what I should do...
Every single thoughts running around my minds, I can clearly read them but I couldn't open my voice and speak them out... I almost burst my tears that time but I was trying so hard to control myself, if not, tears would ruin my make up...T.T

Finally, we decided where to go..
But, I really can't enjoy myself without you...
Arrhh~~~...I don't know what to do that time....I was panic, I was really drawing a blank...What I could do for you is just staying beside you....
And end up, we had porridge together...
That's my Christmas Eve!!

I know you'd use your fragile energy to hug me and give me a Christmas kiss...
I've been touched blissfully...

*************************************************************

The next day, 25th of Dec 2009..
We'd a one day Penang trip...
T.T
What a waste...

I don't care, you must return me my Christmas Eve!

Sorry

I know i was wrong...I messed up the thing...When I try to fix it up, it doesn't work because it was too late... I didn't apologize because I know there is no longer useful... I try to calm your emotion, but the words you spoke had cut my heart...
I dropped my tears silently, because I don't want to let you feel that I was annoying...

I know I'm imperfect for u, the marks had deducted...That's a huge mistakes that I ever did... My personality in your mind have been decreased seriously...Besides apologize, I don't know what to do instead...

I hate myself, hate the one who always mess thing up even when I know thing shouldn't be like that... I hate my tears, when I know tears don't mean anything...

I hope I can be somebody else, to have a big changes of myself..I rather become another person...To gain back the 50 marks...

I hope your knife can straightly cut off my heart, cut it deadly, so that I don't have any feel on it anymore....Yet, I'm dead to see and feel anything....

Lost my way

It's my pleasure that I lose something and I get something else instead...

God is fair enough,
"He gave you something that you'd desired for years,and also took away the thing from you that had already be with you for years..."
People will only realize,
When the time you received something, that's the time you'll lose something...
Thing will probably comes and goes...As life goes on...

For love ---
I've lost to be the past "me" because I know how bad I was before the moment when you kissed me... I realize it when I was sleeping alone, I know I need your shoulder to lie on... I don't mean that I'm good enough for now, I just know something have changed after you've entered my heart... You're the reason that I start all over again to know the real me...

For friendship ---
It used to be so familiar to me, so close and simple... But,I've lost in my friendship definition...I've lost something that had already accompanied me for years, but I know beautiful moment will fly as a butterfly... I couldn't find the soul of being a real friend anymore...I know, I've changed after making decision as I said, I mean it...
The so-called "friendship forever", you know, I know...

For Future ---
But somehow, I'm too conscious on what I want and I've forgotten the thing happen around me...I don't know what I would be change when I need to get something for my future and let something goes just for the future...
I'm frustrated when I see a stranger of me in the future who may be completely an evil or angel neither...

For Maggie ---
Inside of her own incredible world, she keeps everything that she learn everyday... Her realistic is her symbol but besides that, there have actually more than that which she herself hasn't been figured out yet... Being a realism, is her only way to keep herself conscious on finding her own way... She lost when she let something go, but then she lock herself in a tiny room to think which door should her open to continue her new journey...

_____________________________________________________





"I've lost but I never forget the way to enter your heart..."

Wherever I go, my soul would be with you...

Kikko

The first time I meet Kikko today...
The first time I help a puppy take bath ( I was actually standing there, XD)...
The first time I see him, taking care of her puppy, Kikko...His action had truly touched my heart...
The first time I see him scold Kikko, he seems like scolding a baby, it's warm...

I feel warm and blissful when looking his action on how he treat his puppy... It makes me feel like, he is a real good daddy... The way he talked to Kikko, the way he clean up Kikko, they way he played with Kikko, I can feel his love and kindness thoroughly. I like to see him taking care on Kikko... It's really warm my heart....

Kikko was so afraid when seeing her daddy leave her alone... I might too strange to her yet, that's why she scared... She cried and I almost shed my tears for her frustration. I kept on comforting her but it was useless, I yelled to her daddy, asking him to come out as fast as possible....

Through out the day, I can feel even deeply on my love to him... I can't stop thinking of him even if he is just beside me....

...Past of my life...

Thanks

The day will come, as the fact is already started two months ago.... I can see through your words that you actually do still care on it even though you'd given up, obviously...

What's the actual feeling of yours? Sad? Disappointed? Numb? or Regret?
I don't know if the words are truly sincere from your heart, or just expressing it to stable your emotion....I know I shouldn't care about that since it's no longer my concern, but I used to be your good listener and his neither... Yet, and finally, thing turns up unexpectedly... I know you will be shocked when knowing the truth that has already happened so sudden... The unexpected thing can simply change just a blink which is so unconditional...
"When something was belong to you on the last second, doesn't mean it will not belong to others at the next second..."In fact, was you the one who loosen your hand to let it go...

Frankly, I can feel it deeply about your true feeling through your action and words...Wishes from your heart, I would like to give hundred of thankful.
But somehow, it's actually impact my emotion tho~ As I know the day on facing this problem will come, and it's really make me feel so insecure...I don't mean to not believe in anyone else, just the behavior of myself, the lack of confidence, the terror of losing someone who I just started to let him enter my heart....
But I know consciously that LOVE is just between he and I...

Anyhow, the decision you made, had given us a big changes...

~He and I know that~

It's actually NOTHING!!!

As I've been two weeks ago never update my blog...It means that there have actually nothing special happened to me... I wonder if there have nothing to blog, it's actually better because it simply means that nothing sad or bad happened towards me... When people are sad or heart broken, blogging will always the best company... Express everything out that you've already hidden for a while or even for years over here, yet you'll absolutely relief....

Luckily, I blog for nothing....
The daily routines are still the same, he and I are also the same that we'll meet up after his work... I seldom hang out because I only realised the fun of staying in my own comfortable room~ XD

Once a few times, people will wonder why he will forget our important day about this or that.... Sometimes, we'll blame on each other about why he cannot blah blah blah... Even if he had actually did everything for you, but you still don't satisfy and keep on nagging at this and that... But, after you consider deeply, you'll find out that they actually do anything for any reason to make you happy... They just wanted to see your sweet smile, yes, it's that easy...
So, always hang up a sweet smile on your face, to make him feel secure and happy too...

"Life isn't a fairy tale, happy ending are few and far between. Realistic world are always surrounding us but who knows sometimes
Love can still spring in the most unlikely places..."

Until now, I actually still couldn't believe, he's with me...
The truth will never running away from me...
And the truth of us...
He is with me....

I've let you go...

Every time when I mention it, my tears wouldn't be in my control anymore...
I cried because the definition of friendship has been changed... Because disappointment came around when I read every one of your words...Because my heart had broken which actually nothing fault between us....

I've nothing much to say anymore or should say, I have nothing else to say at all... I flash back the moment we've been together for the 3 and a half years ago, I felt so secure to have you be my side...But now, things have been changed... I can't listen to your heart anymore, and you're blinded to look at me...

It just so disappointed...
And my heart had been cooled...

Friend is not for sharing, friend is part of our living purpose...Friend is to be appreciated...
That's my philosophy of true friend but now, it only turns into good friend...
I've always remember every words that you said to me...Never ever forget one word from yours... However, holding tight on this philosophy has no longer be needed anymore, I guess...

I shed my tears because I've let you go...

I need you but I know you don't need me anymore...