考验来了。。。

老朋友说：“我有个中国朋友想认识你！而且条件很不错！” 还发了个照片给我过目，来头还真不小!我靠~

此时此刻的我，应该怎么看待此事？是坚决的推开，还是坦然的接受新认识？（虽说不是到了什么境界，但这件事是值得思考的）

真正心里已有爱人的人，遇到这种“联谊”是不会有任何一丝丝的摇动！而我在这种“还没正式被承认”的暧昧游戏里， 我会被动要吗？ 

再还没经历那6年感情破裂之前，我也许会很坚决的做选择。

但随着经历过无数次的感情创伤，而对爱情半信半疑的我，选择是小孩子才会做的事。

不过老实说，我的优先权还是会给真心对我好的人。

话说，

“不是男朋友，就不能对你好吗？”

- "那么不是女朋友，是不是可以让别的男人对我好呢？”

 

是你厉害，还是我逊。 才看吧！

 

“这是一段即不会互相伤害，又刚好够亲密的关系”

女朋友都劝说，别放太多真感情。若真是我陷入了，要么就是他真厉害，要么就是我逊。 不论如何，保持现状别想太多会开心点吧！

我不确定爱情是否来了

写完上篇后，我基本前任的一切也就这样在五年的时间慢慢淡忘。虽说，曾经几次我还是会感到当时失去的痛苦，但也因那一次见Chong之前的放肆大哭，我觉得我已经熬过了。

由于5年以来，我一直都是遇到错的。有的要自由，有的不想commit，有的第一次见面就是奇葩！所以跌跌撞撞的，我也没有在爱情里要求过什么，也不期望任何美好的爱情，会发生在我生活里。

没错直到他的出现，让我心情复杂，也再次让我慢慢的想，是否该了解爱情的存在？我们还没到“爱”的境界，但我可以体会得到他给我的感觉，和我这5年来遇到的无数错过客，他-真的给我与众不同的感觉。我这小魔女，冷酷酷的， 也能开始感觉到他的暖。虽然我们还没确认关系，但我反而很享受这样的关系，暧昧得又相似情侣似的。对我而言，我反而不会追逼他是否要确认我，因为我觉得这已经不重要。也就是他，让我的这份执着被抛到一边了！

他对我的细心，我是体会到的。人家说，射手男喜欢自由，非常热情，也很细心，但可怕的事，他们对每个女孩都一样热情。我不会去猜想他对我是否真心，因为我感觉得到他的真心。我不会去怀疑他是否也钓很多鱼，因为我感觉得到我不是他鱼塘里的其中之一。 应该说，对方给到自己一定的安全感，表白与否重要吗？仪式感是其次（虽然我也盼望着），但与其你送我花花，驾跑车来向我炫耀 （的确是我之前经历过的奇葩，立即把我吓跑），我宁愿像这样的他。简简单单，给我买午餐，载我打疫苗，陪我看戏，说笑给我听，帮我装健身器材，这才是真心。 

无论未来，你是否是我的soul mate, 此时此刻，我已欣慰你的出现 ❤️

《续》我的过往

我又忙又累的，就这样一天过去。Chong见我已经是昨天的事情了，我还没和那自己深低的心交谈呢！

说到近期遇到的暧昧对象，是他让我彻底把所有的回忆给删除了。没错！ 我5年以来隐藏起来的album，终于在上个礼拜给我彻底删除。 我曾经看过一篇文章， 说回忆是不可能忘记的，它只会变成你的曾经却不影响你的情绪。 而这五年来，我确实看了我们的相册却也不觉得怎么样，没什么感觉。就只是觉得，那么好的回忆留着也无妨，它也是我成长的一部分。 直到那天，我忽然发现，是不是这个不舍的回忆拖着我不进一步勇敢的面对爱情？所以，我当时后觉得-我想认真对待爱情，就把它给删除了！

一股浓浓的压抑突然往上涌，我大哭了一场。我也不懂自己哭什么，就觉得我真的放下了吧。已经过了5年，还哭什么屁哦！ 当时，我是想认真的看待爱情，不论来者是否有意，或渣男，我觉得我没有必要停留在过往的记忆里。

没错，我们当时的分手是很伤痛的。 每每我一提起，我的心还是疼的。那个分手，我也和闺蜜们谈过， 也因如此长跑的恋情断裂，也迎来很多，对过往一些比较少来往的朋友过来安慰我。 当时分手是我提的，后来我又觉得与其要他跟著我的步伐，不然让我改变我的思维。我也做不少傻事挽回— 到他住的地方足足等了一夜，却没等到他影子，车也不在家。足足两个礼拜分手后，我发狂找着他，最终联系上。但当时，分手的两个礼拜后，再我还没和他说最后的话时， 他就已经有新女朋友了。他上来我新家，我们来个最终谈话。他坚决地说不要了， 是我先放弃的，他也清楚知道不是思维的问题，而我们却是没法达到共识。 我也发狂似的哭着说，他根本没有给我任何的机会做任何的一切去挽回，然后就有女朋友了？！ 好！这一切我看在眼里，歇斯底里的告诉自己我一样可以过！

结果，过了几个礼拜，他看到我的租房招聘，他尽然说要住进来。是我犯贱，我当时觉得反正你也那么犯贱好呗就租给你！再看看大家可以耍什么花样！ 的确当时我又没怎么样，只是有时我会闯进他的房看他生活是如何。 我也看到了他是怎么写情书追这个女朋友的（而当时他给我的解释是那女的追他）， 我也看到了他和新女朋友的合照，美美的放进相框里摆放着，还有特别设计，绝对是女友的做为。 我看了看，没流泪，只是觉得“tsk move on 得那么快，这是爱么” 

当然，我也因为忙工作，健身，充实的交友圈，我基本没什么太多面对这一路的折磨。我不会说不想回家，我也不会说害怕碰见他，可能当时大家就是赌气，就是想让大家看见，6年的交往算什么！没了你我，大家还不是过的好好的。 你有你的新欢，我有我的自由！

直到有天，他告诉我说他女友发现了他住在我家，所以生气了，需要他搬走。我“哦” 了一下，心里觉得你这男的根本就是找事, 演出戏给我看，赢了很过瘾吗？ 最后，在他搬走之前，他还叮嘱我说他和女友会上来收拾，希望我不要碰见(🙄 WTF) 不过老娘当时也忙于工作，根本没空鸟这回事。其实，说到这里，我也不太记得当时我回到家，没有他在我生活里晃的感觉是如何了。 

就这样，我安安稳稳过了5年的单身。

X.o.x.o 续

过了10年，新的一页

奇怪吧！怎么过了10年，我回到了这里写下这新的一页。 没错， 我回来的原因当然不是因为自己无聊，而是我没想到自己也有今日步入需要咨询心理治疗师，而需要一个叫“知我认知”的疗程。 所以，此时此刻就有了这篇journal. 

是的，我今天第一次和初次见面的心理治疗师来一个心理咨询。起因，是由我上个礼拜的一些情绪波动、紧张、怀疑自己和突然崩溃而感到害怕，且让我决定更想要知道自己到底出现了什么状况。

 心理治疗师是个男的，我们就称他为Chong吧！

Chong 和我了解情况之后，建议我需要把自己的情绪写下来，一一再去感受自己的感觉，无论是开心，难过，紧张或失望，都得自己再次感受。因为他说，情绪和感受是连体的，也是大脑没办法控制的。所以我们得更加接受自己的情绪。 

我悟了，我告诉自己，尽然我已经知道自己好像哪里不对劲，我应该要去寻找根源解决掉它！ 这也是我一向做事的态度，我不怕失败，我只怕没有前进。 

对感情也一样，我一直以为自己很潇洒。我不怕遇到不对的，我只怕自己没办法接受再次失去我经营的一切。也许是这样，我对每个靠近我的男人都保持一定的隔膜，绝对不会交心给任何一个人。

 直到我遇到这一个他，让我意识到原来自己是如此害怕失去。原来我的潇洒，只是对那些在我心里没有爱、没有未来的路过者而已。 而他，尽然撩起这场大雪！（是大雪吗形容词？哈哈我中文还好吧！😅 )

我一直对姐妹说，吊！我遇到对手了！这个他-让我忐忑不安！每次看到他我都觉得，天呐男神来了！🥰

 也许他不是我遇到最帅的，也不是最会撩的，不是最壮的，也不是我遇过金最多的，但他的一切就是刚刚好。可就因为我们有了进一步的发展， 让我害怕他是不是也和其他渣男一样渐渐走人！

就当我在自我陶醉时，突然一个可怕的情绪噩梦惊醒了我。我当时立刻清醒，看了看手机确保一切正常。直到他突然讯息，我而我在混乱情绪的当下误以为他会放我鸽子，我当时直接崩溃大哭。害怕得以为我真的又遇到错的渣男了！ 虽然最后发现原来自己只是想多了，但还是迟迟不能接受这样的自己，什么时候我自己变得那么脆弱。。。 

我想应该是时候认知自己那脆弱的一面。。。 

X.o.X.o 续

I'm back to Malaysia ~

Ciao~ Discovery of Rome, Italy - Episode 1

15th July 2011
Arrived Ciampino Airport at 4pm by flying with Ryanair which made us headache with their flight services though I know it is a budget flights. I rather pay more next time if possible!!! We took a bus to the center of Rome followed by Metro to search for our hotel... We drag our exhausted body to search for the way to the Hotel St. Paul and finally we get to take our rest earlier for charging our energy to prepare for the next day trip! GO Rome~

16th July 2011
The breakfast in Hotel St. Paul was totally worth a penny especially those cold cuts Parma Ham which are my love!!! Then we get up to the signature of Rome, the Colosseum also known as "Coliseum" which is the biggest and most imposing in the Roman world, and also the greatest works of Rome's Architecture. You couldn't miss out this amazing UNESCO world heritage even if it has to cost you 12euro per person.. You will be attracted by this absolute impressive thing!! I'm serious~

Beside the Colosseum, you may also see The Arch of Constantine which this triumphal arch was erected to commemorate Constantine I's victory over Maxentius at the Battle of Milvian Bridge on October 28, 312. There is also a hill that call Palatine or "Palatino" situated just beside the Colosseum and the Arch. Even if you think there has nothing to see inside the Palatino but just some destroyed stones, I still recommend you walk around to experience it...It may not that impressive as the Colosseum does, but it is still part of the Roman's history... You should feel the heritage of Rome there~ 

The Rome's view from the hill of Palatino.

When the day is still bright with clear blue sky, visiting the Trevi Fountain will be a good choice but it will be even better if there isn't too crowded with too many tourists.. It's summer holiday tho! However, the fountain is a true wonder, a jewel of water and stone that is nestled between the palaces of the historic centre of the city. With the exception of those annoying crowd, this fantastic work of arts made you felt like it is the scene of heaven with the ever-mutating and incredible power of falling water that could ever took your breath away! While enjoying this breath-taking art work, don't forget to make a wish by throwing a coin into the water... It is said that if you throw a coin over your shoulder into the water, you will be sure to return to Rome. However I prefer the Roman's art work can make my dream come true instead of the returning~ XD

I've still made a wish for myself even if it's believed to have a return to Rome...

We also grabbed the Italian's ice cream which I can truly say the italian's ice cream is always the best ice cream ever with natural fruit favour! Eating the best ice cream in the world while walking around the Rome's streets will be a great experience... I'm sure you won't be regret even if the ice cream cost you a litter more!! After a few walks, we step into the Palazzo del Quirinale where is the home of the President of Italy and that's why you will see some soldiers marching inside and standing quietly at every single entrance...yea~ that's cool indeed! Besides, the most eyes catching thing in this place will be the Dioscuri Fountain that features 5.5-meter-tall (18ft) sculptures of Castor and Pollux as horse tamers and another 14-meter-tall (46ft) central obelisk once held a place of honor at the entrance to the mausoleum of Augustus.. 

As you can see, I'm still enjoying my ice cream under the Dioscuri Fountain.

If you have some free time, you should walk nearby the Trevi Fontana to see the building of Rome with a lot of interesting work of art like Medusa on the entrance door, the figures of the four fountains that represent the River Tiber and etc. Due to the day of summer is longer than night in Europe, we had no enough energy to wait until the dark night to see the night view of Trevi Fountain. It should be very nice with the light on. Since a whole day walking was really tiring, we supposed to have enough rest for the next day~ 

stay tuned for my next post of the Rome discovery......

You only live once for this graduation day!

13th July 2011 --
It was a day when I would meet my beloved family and boyfie after a year! I went to pick him up at London Heathrow Airport while my parents and aunt were enjoying their tour in the London center. I was waiting for him for at least an hour after his arrival time, it was totally making me so anxious when I couldn't even get through him at all! What a terrible waiting moment, just like I was waiting him without any plans endlessly until I received an unknown number called from him to request my hostel's address.

Finally, my waiting worth for a warmest hug! Then, his first conversation to me was:" dear, my checked-in luggage is still in Malaysia!" OMG~ what?! That's why I said, it was a terrible waiting moment!!
No matter how, the only way was to wait for the airport services to send his luggage to my hostel on the next day. Fine, it was truly a terrible arrival and my family keep rushing me to meet them up at China Town!

We quickly took the underground and met my family for dinner there.
Phew~ Everything went smoothly after all. At night,we had our free walking tour nearby our hotel, to discover the romantic view of the London Eye and Big Ben...

______________________________________________________________________________
14th July 2011--

My congregation ceremony will be started at 1pm but I had to get everything done at 11am...
Despite all those rushing for preparation, the ceremony didn't take too much time yet indeed, it was too boring to wait one by one to receive our certificate.. That giving out session was really long-waited~

Finally, it's my turn!

The ceremony finished at 3pm and we were served with some refreshments after that. Of course, everyone were excitedly taking some photos of this exquisite moment with friends and family!

Despite of this, how could you not taking a photo like below when you are graduated?! wink~*

This unforgettable moment would pass without knowing it, and it's time to walk around the city of Newcastle Upon Tyne to explore what I had been experiencing for this past year. Surprisingly, we have got the chance to see the Millenium Bridge which also referred to "Blinking eye bridge" tilted so that it could allow the small ships and boats to pass through underneath it... I'd never seen this scene before although I've been living here for almost a year! Thanks to my family that bring this luck to me! great one~

"This day, it might sound like an ordinary graduation like anyone did, but this would be a day that prove for myself, I have one step closer to touch my dream~"