Just Aim For the Target~

I saw him yesterday because I had to return him the auto-cleaner. W. T. F. I hate people disturbed me when I was asleep. I was really impolite to him, maybe this is what I just would done to him but not other. Actually, I had some kind of feeling towards him. Hate him and also feel so sorry to him. I am kind a bad person apparently. Sometimes people must be cold-blooded when there is necessary for you to do so. I’m sorry that I’m bad, I’m sorry about the thing I said to you but these are what I just can do to make your hurts recover faster. "Please don’t expect anything on me anymore because I was the one who destroyed our relationship. Don’t call me even if I cross your mind, this will just make you struggle on it. Just forget what my good was because I’m not that good as you thought actually."

People always exchange the character that they’ve done before to somebody.
I can truly understand and absolutely believe on this. The road was chosen by me, so I should take it seriously although I know it is not that easy. Some people love to take challenging and at the end, you either can get the best or the worst. The gamble is always like to make you addicted on it as long as you still have the affordable to stand for it.
And now, I’m doing all of this because my stubbornness and I extremely wanted to get the best instead of terrified for the worst. How dare I am to take this risks!
In my opinion, at least I’ve done for my choice but not given up in the half way. So, no matter what he told me, I just listen and keep in my mind. Although I know there have actually a lot of unreliability, I still keep a trust on you. Because sometimes I really think too much on that when I saw the fact.
So,
it is a good thing for me to not know anything but just only listen to him.
I should always turn a deaf ear.

Honestly, I felt I am really faked on doing all of this to you as actually I could don’t need to do so. Because I just clearly know, I do that purposely to get my target.
But anyway,
what my target is just you. However, I just scared after I got you, I would not be that faithful again. I wonder why I become so bad.
People said, you will do anything to your beloved one without any reason but I’m totally different! Now only I know, actually I’m doing something that is unnecessary. I just think of him when I know I need a guy. Oh my goosh.
I’m just such a…BIATCH~

Stress of L.O.V.E

Sometimes, I just seem like a single although I’ve him. I can understand how busy he is so I really don’t want to be his burden. Hopefully, I can be the one who can reduce his stress. But, when I spend the time for him, he just couldn’t appreciate it. It might be true that he has already fully utilized his time so I should not think more than that! I should not suffer myself on this as I myself need more time for studying. However, you should know how much I can do for you, what if I am here, but you just blind. Sometimes, I just need a minute to stay beside you and wish I could find some words to tell unless you really don’t mean it.
I guess I know what would happen for the next. No doubt to think about the affairs. I wonder if I am thinking too much but what else can help me not to think about it? I have a lot of minds on him but I really dare not to let him know because I scared thing worse off after telling him. So, I have to keep it as my thoughts.

I had try my very best to accept what is happening now and I’m actually have full schedule for this month. I know my personal pressures shouldn’t much than yours but maybe you’ve your own way to release. Unfortunately, I don’t have unless you’re here. I just hope I’m the one who can accompany you to reduce your stress. No matter how,
I know I need to stand for what I’ve done before and prepared for the worst. I guess life just has a way of making you pay for your wrongdoings.
And now, I’m paying for it.

But sometimes God have given me a hand. It’s raining now. And my random soundtrack is playing “ Weslife—home” . You have to go home now!!!!!!!

I thought no one can understand me but I just realize, when you pay your sincerity to someone, there would have a way to raise you up. Paying for the wrongdoings is just a procedure. Learn from that, girl, I know I will get what I want finally.

I do need you badly~

Again, I have a kind of uncomfortable feeling towards him. It’s just very scary and I feel something wrong between it. He didn’t date me when he has to go KL for a few days although he knew I am available for him! This is just pissed me off. I drove through his house, noticed that his car is already gone. A lot of questions suddenly popped up in my mind.

1. Why didn’t he just inform me or even give me a text?
2. How could I check this out?
3. Do I need to continue this relationship?
4. How could I know whether he loves me?
5. Do I really love him?
6. What is the feeling of fall in love?
7. Do we suitable to be together?
8. Is he cheating on me?
9. Should I trust him?

All of these are just a question but not the answer for me.

This kind of feeling is just same with last time that I used to be. I don’t want the thing repeat it again and again! I hate those unpleasant stuffs. There are too many pressures I need to bring them up now like studying, working and relationship. I just hope everything will be ok.

But, it doesn't seem to be.

Rome was not built in one day, I know it but this is too sudden! I really need his support right now because I am really upset. I need you but do you listen to me? I hope I can burst my tears now so that I can breathe well. But I can’t! This is much more suffering!
When you lose the one you wanted, because he taken you for granted and everything you got had seem to be destroyed.

6:19pm
God! Do you know what I’m thinking right now? Don’t you?
OH MY GODNESS!
He phoned me suddenly while I'm blogging right now and told me that his hand phone had been ringing just now but he didn’t notice that.

I shouldn’t think negatively on him. I should believe him.

Every cloud has a silver lining; I can clearly feel it at this moment.

Thing is always possible to get something positive out of a situation.

Phew. I walked out of this.

Nope! Is, he lend me a hand to walk out of this.

You just make me spinning around for you!

Doubtful should be throw away!

Step into the 4th day of 2009.
Flashback the days I’ve been together with him, that’s already one month ago. A lot of things appear in my mind like what affairs, suspecting, confusing, comparing, frightening and so on. What about love? I’m unqualified on talking about love as I myself don’t even know how to love. What is my qualification on expecting he love me? Also, suspecting him?
Sometimes, I do really 100% trust on him when he shows his action towards me. I feel that sweet and comfortable are all around, when I stay beside him, and why not I just remember for his good but not live with that doubtfulness.

He did text me when he reaches home. He did phone me when he wakes up. He did date me for a dinner or sometimes have a bite. He did bring me along when he has a fishing plan. He did ask me out even though his friend is around and etc. Is there anything that I can still feel any dissatisfaction? I meant to him, does he? I guess he does, I can feel it although I don’t have the confidence.
Anyway,
*No more nonsense in my mind because I don't care about the future~

Always be prepared!!

A boring public holiday again as I was being alone the whole day. He was busy on preparing his presentation slides and busy on caring about his younger sister’s relationship at 10pm something. I thought I could see him tonight but still my prediction was wrong again. We used to see each other every night but now, too many “things” happen suddenly. My believable to him is getting lesser and lesser; however, I am still being patient on observing and considering because I really don’t know what else I can do besides that.

I had asked a fortune-teller yesterday about my relationship, he asked me to keep it on and be patient no matter what happen. I am so afraid that I will get nothing in the end because I don’t even know what actually my feeling is. It’s just confusing and frightening as an illustration of gambling. Nevertheless, I decide to listen to the fortune-teller-- be patient.

Even so, I am blue right now apparently, express my feeling right here, thinking whether it is true and waiting for his reply.
I’m suspecting if I’ve been cheated but what else I can do?!!!
Sitting here, do nothing!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine the bad thing happen in our relationship—that’s an affair.

I would just,


Prepare for the worst.

The last day for 2008

The last day for year 2008, I were so excited to plan what I’m going to do for the night. Unfortunately, he and I were totally drawing a blank but finally, we decided to go The Ship and have our special dinner. It took a couple hours to enjoy our rich food and it was great for sure. Happy moments would always pass that fast when he said he has to work after that. I was so disappointed frankly, but there is nothing I could do anymore. Thus, I choose to believe him again because I am absolutely terrified of misunderstand able. In general, I would still send a message to wish him a happy new year and hopefully I have a better life than before. I confessed to him obviously and emphasized what I hope for our relationship. I clearly know what I want actually, I want his sincerity and love instead of the responsibility. I just want be there for you every bits of my life. I hope my decision is right and will be strong until the end.

* Thanks for my friends from ultimaxx had given me a lot of fun!

Finally, I have a celebration with my Ulimaxx's friends..
Check it out yo~ you guys are just "rocks"! LOLX

The girls

The Boys

C.C & Me

Finally, I drunk after a few shots of drinks.