Your own way...

Instead of finding the way to have a happy life, I always keep positive mind on staying happily...

I never find hard to know how would our relationship be because I believe that our determination will never lie...

I have a simple happy life, because I hold tight on believing in my expectation, my expectation bring up a meaningful life to me, that's why I love my life.....An expectation wouldn't be made up by one person, but with another one who willing to build this up together with you...
I found a person who give me my expectation...And also who might break my expectation and turn into disappointment...

"Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way...And everything will be fine...."
I listen to the music, telling me that everything will be fine when you've your own way to go...

Even if we always need to prepare the so-called "plan B" once your "plan A" couldn't be worked...I understand there will have some issues that might block our way....But, I never think of our "Plan B" because this is NOT a business...It is our relationship...It's ours...

Once you don't believe in your own expectation, that's become a disappointment...
You're the one who decide your destiny...
You and me are the one who decide our destiny...

Once you never believe in yourself, I will also lost my trust on our destiny...

I remain silence because I don't even want to think a bare possibility...

You're the one who decide yes or no

Directions

I've been setting up my path before I step on it for years ago...I always hope my expectation will just go on smoothly, I put my faith into it....

I've been hoping for years, to wait for the right time, to start my real journey... But, when it is the time, I only realized that, I'm the only person who think it is right, who think this should be, who knows my way is going to disappear, entirely. It's been so hard for me to bring everything down and construct another way.... Yet, I only know I can't start all this by my own, just only me to start my own journey... This is awfully stupid when your own journey cannot be done by oneself, it's even worse when your thoughts are clarity that you're actually lack of ability to step on, and just like that...

I feel foolish, I feel helpless, I feel imma useless....

You have the path, but you will still need someone to bring you up....
It's not only myself to be with...
And, it's cut me down entirely to destroy the hopes that I build by myself.....


The disagreement should be done before I do....Unless I still hadn't build my first path.....
But, until I've completed, I only know I'm right here with only one person alone who can't do anything else.... Who stupidly waiting for the hopes.....

Just let it be or not to be....

It's been weird that I seldom blog for happy thing, but only blog for something that influence my thinking, something make me blue...

Yes...My blog is the only thing that can express my feeling by using words, shout out everything over here to calm me down when there have no one understand me... That's the only thing I can do, that's why my blog only consists of sadness...No matter how, I just wanna find a way, to make me feel better..even it's just a little, I'll do it...

I don't know why I feel so bad on this even I know he takes dance as important thing...Since I'm a dancer, I can totally understand this....But, I know there have other reason behind that...It could be a pressure, it could be an unwillingness...I don't know which one more than either one of it... Whatever it is, I just want to appreciate everything around me especially you before everything has changed...

For me, I know there have something need to be sacrificed no matter how much you wanted to do something.... Unless, there have something you think it is not worth for you to do.... I just simply not to force you, but, if you really wanted to reject me at the first, please don't give me any expectation, or simply say "consideration"...I don't like disappointment, I don't like rejection when I thought there will have a hope...

I never give pressure to you even I'm hoping so so much that you can be there.....
Because I know, just a word, can change everything, but I know, you hold your promise all the time....That's why I didn't tell you how much my hope is...How much I can see you to be there...

You know, the truth that you keep, I always know...
That's the reason why I feel pain...


"when you feel annoyed, that's the weakest part that you showed"

I'm thinking, should I forget it? To act there have nothing happened

Heart bleeding

I'd already told you what I wish, what I want...You'd never tell all the story, just let me jump to the conclusion...Yet, put all the blame on me~

You said, don't ask you turn back once it has already passed by...So, I don't....
I'd trying to stop your temper, to be silent, to not say anything...

You blow my stack, yell on me...That's cutting my heart...
I would never never never let someone yell on me like that...
I seriously hate people simply piss my ass off with a shouting like this....

Be patience, I did...not to worse off anything with my silence...
I know you're stubborn, who never apologized first...
That's why I remain silent...
That's why I let you go...
Because I will never let you have the chance to yell on me again!

But this time,
your action is just to a fault...

you again,
disappointed me

Sorry

I know i was wrong...I messed up the thing...When I try to fix it up, it doesn't work because it was too late... I didn't apologize because I know there is no longer useful... I try to calm your emotion, but the words you spoke had cut my heart...
I dropped my tears silently, because I don't want to let you feel that I was annoying...

I know I'm imperfect for u, the marks had deducted...That's a huge mistakes that I ever did... My personality in your mind have been decreased seriously...Besides apologize, I don't know what to do instead...

I hate myself, hate the one who always mess thing up even when I know thing shouldn't be like that... I hate my tears, when I know tears don't mean anything...

I hope I can be somebody else, to have a big changes of myself..I rather become another person...To gain back the 50 marks...

I hope your knife can straightly cut off my heart, cut it deadly, so that I don't have any feel on it anymore....Yet, I'm dead to see and feel anything....

I've let you go...

Every time when I mention it, my tears wouldn't be in my control anymore...
I cried because the definition of friendship has been changed... Because disappointment came around when I read every one of your words...Because my heart had broken which actually nothing fault between us....

I've nothing much to say anymore or should say, I have nothing else to say at all... I flash back the moment we've been together for the 3 and a half years ago, I felt so secure to have you be my side...But now, things have been changed... I can't listen to your heart anymore, and you're blinded to look at me...

It just so disappointed...
And my heart had been cooled...

Friend is not for sharing, friend is part of our living purpose...Friend is to be appreciated...
That's my philosophy of true friend but now, it only turns into good friend...
I've always remember every words that you said to me...Never ever forget one word from yours... However, holding tight on this philosophy has no longer be needed anymore, I guess...

I shed my tears because I've let you go...

I need you but I know you don't need me anymore...

Stress of L.O.V.E

Sometimes, I just seem like a single although I’ve him. I can understand how busy he is so I really don’t want to be his burden. Hopefully, I can be the one who can reduce his stress. But, when I spend the time for him, he just couldn’t appreciate it. It might be true that he has already fully utilized his time so I should not think more than that! I should not suffer myself on this as I myself need more time for studying. However, you should know how much I can do for you, what if I am here, but you just blind. Sometimes, I just need a minute to stay beside you and wish I could find some words to tell unless you really don’t mean it.
I guess I know what would happen for the next. No doubt to think about the affairs. I wonder if I am thinking too much but what else can help me not to think about it? I have a lot of minds on him but I really dare not to let him know because I scared thing worse off after telling him. So, I have to keep it as my thoughts.

I had try my very best to accept what is happening now and I’m actually have full schedule for this month. I know my personal pressures shouldn’t much than yours but maybe you’ve your own way to release. Unfortunately, I don’t have unless you’re here. I just hope I’m the one who can accompany you to reduce your stress. No matter how,
I know I need to stand for what I’ve done before and prepared for the worst. I guess life just has a way of making you pay for your wrongdoings.
And now, I’m paying for it.

But sometimes God have given me a hand. It’s raining now. And my random soundtrack is playing “ Weslife—home” . You have to go home now!!!!!!!

I thought no one can understand me but I just realize, when you pay your sincerity to someone, there would have a way to raise you up. Paying for the wrongdoings is just a procedure. Learn from that, girl, I know I will get what I want finally.

Doubtful should be throw away!

Step into the 4th day of 2009.
Flashback the days I’ve been together with him, that’s already one month ago. A lot of things appear in my mind like what affairs, suspecting, confusing, comparing, frightening and so on. What about love? I’m unqualified on talking about love as I myself don’t even know how to love. What is my qualification on expecting he love me? Also, suspecting him?
Sometimes, I do really 100% trust on him when he shows his action towards me. I feel that sweet and comfortable are all around, when I stay beside him, and why not I just remember for his good but not live with that doubtfulness.

He did text me when he reaches home. He did phone me when he wakes up. He did date me for a dinner or sometimes have a bite. He did bring me along when he has a fishing plan. He did ask me out even though his friend is around and etc. Is there anything that I can still feel any dissatisfaction? I meant to him, does he? I guess he does, I can feel it although I don’t have the confidence.
Anyway,
*No more nonsense in my mind because I don't care about the future~

Always be prepared!!

A boring public holiday again as I was being alone the whole day. He was busy on preparing his presentation slides and busy on caring about his younger sister’s relationship at 10pm something. I thought I could see him tonight but still my prediction was wrong again. We used to see each other every night but now, too many “things” happen suddenly. My believable to him is getting lesser and lesser; however, I am still being patient on observing and considering because I really don’t know what else I can do besides that.

I had asked a fortune-teller yesterday about my relationship, he asked me to keep it on and be patient no matter what happen. I am so afraid that I will get nothing in the end because I don’t even know what actually my feeling is. It’s just confusing and frightening as an illustration of gambling. Nevertheless, I decide to listen to the fortune-teller-- be patient.

Even so, I am blue right now apparently, express my feeling right here, thinking whether it is true and waiting for his reply.
I’m suspecting if I’ve been cheated but what else I can do?!!!
Sitting here, do nothing!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine the bad thing happen in our relationship—that’s an affair.

I would just,


Prepare for the worst.

Lies? Affairs?

Look at the time now..

it's already early in the morning..

Christmas is over...

And also, I'm listening “it's over”..

I had been waiting for u the whole day and the whole night even a few days.

There are too many “unexpected” things happened suddenly.

I felt so disappointed on it

but

what I can do is- listen, wait and support.

The fact has placed in front of me; do I know what I am going to do?
I guess I know it clearly…..
Yes, I admit that I was so afraid and frustrated on this.

Should I be faithful to this relationship? Take it seriously? I...I don't even know. You’ve run out the reasons, given me a lot of excuses. I didn’t know whether it is true but finally I get the answer after observing by myself. I know I had already lost my trust on you. But, I’m still beside you and act nothing because I want to get back the one I want! This is so unfair to me so I must be the winner!

Because I want you and your heart always be there for me!!

If you're having an affair, I can forgive everything on what you've done if you tell me honestly.
At least, I'm not cheated and not buried inside the fact.
People will feel sympathy on my stupidity, but you have to know, this is the only way that I can stay beside you.

I will not let my heart open.

Beautiful lies, unbelievable, sweet talks, disappointed, unexpected are always there and perhaps, I can handle it.

I'm not that type to get my heart broken and also not that fragile to let my tears drown.

I hate myself.

Hate myself that why I figured out these?

Everything would be ok if I didn't know everything and just be the usual.

I used to be a faithful girl but in the end, I got have nothing, nothing at all!

I used to have an affair before, and then I get this revenge.

I know I were the bad girl before, and now I got all the symptoms!

Something reminded me;

I would still be the same and stay beside you because I know time can heal it..

I would turn a blind eyes on this...

Am I already been frozen in our relationship?!

When is my deadline?!

* sorry if I misunderstood you..